


The Goddamn Pina Colada Song

by AlmightyCamelot



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: But no, Ironically, M/M, Time Travel, but like me too so its a mood, hes just beginning his romance, oh shit that kinda looks like my boyfriend, simon is hella unobservant, simon isnt that observant, simon thinks hes cheating on baz, youd think hed look at the guy he was sent to kill and be like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26704780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmightyCamelot/pseuds/AlmightyCamelot
Summary: Simon Snow is a time-traveling assassin from the year 2025. He's been assigned to eliminate the immortal vampire Tyrannus from existence, but in the process he ends up falling in love with him. Not only is he betraying his father who runs the whole Time Department, but he's betraying his boyfriend Baz...or so he thinks.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 18





	The Goddamn Pina Colada Song

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first fic I have actually written in probably 2 years so please go easy with this haha :)

He's always there. A constant. You’d think that at some point in the lengthy timeline of the Earth, he’d grow bored of all it had to offer. But he doesn’t. His disgusting existence is ever present no matter what. Even his name sounds like the stain he leaves on my psyche. Tyrannus. Goddamn Tyrannus. Who the fuck even names their kid that? I don't know what his family was thinking. I don't even think he has one. He's as old as time itself. An immortal...well, obviously. He's what common folk would call a vampire. Drinks blood, doesn't die...the works. He's a stubborn weed in my otherwise pristine yard. I've been sent from the year 2025 to eradicate Tyrannus. Government assignment. I'm part of a top secret project involving time-travel and what would be considered "fantasy creatures". We're sent to eliminate them all. They're a blight to humanity. Sirens and Dragons and Vampires! Oh my! I've told that joke to Agent Bunce one too many times. She hates it. I think it's funny. 

This time around I find myself in 17th century London. I dread any assignment before about 1850. The horrible stench is fucking unbearable. I wish this stupid nano-tech jumpsuit had a feature to block your sense of smell. The suit is quite new technology. There's some sort of connection to my Era-Watch that makes it appear to anyone who isn't wearing it like you have on clothing of the times. I'm really not sure how it works but I don't really care. It’s better than the old days of having four thousand different costumes to keep track of. I walk down the dirty cobblestone roads, doing my best to not step in any...well...fecal matter. Even though I'm in the more wealthy part of the city, shit waterfalls are ever present. God I wish indoor plumbing would hurry the hell up. The sound of the streets echo off the buildings. It's loud. Just push through it, Simon. 

"Have you heard about Lady Rosaline?"

"Come, Thomas! To the pub!"

"Keep your skirts up, Elizabeth."

The translated voices come through my earpiece. It translates what everyone else says so I can understand it and reverses the process for when I speak. A man walks up to me and tries to sell me on some new shoes. I politely decline. Even though this is becoming routine to me, the novelty never really seems to completely wear off. I swear to god if it weren't for the millions of rules and regulations around time travel, this would've been commercial ages ago. My Era-Watch rings. 

"Target is within 100 feet. Stay vigilant, Agent Snow." my earpiece drones in its robotic voice. Already? I've only just reached his street! On further thought, he must be out and about. I shouldn't expect him to stay in one place. He never does. That's why he's been my assignment for the last few months. He's tricky, I'm stubborn. Every other agent has failed to eliminate Tyrannus. I'm different. At least everyone else says so. I mean...I'm the Secret Weapon. I cannot fail. I can't-

"Hello, Snow." he says. I snap back to reality. There he stands. Black hair tucked neatly under a fucking awful poet-like hat and his smug grin that was almost made to torment me. 

"Tyrannus." I say. Hopefully the disgust dripping from my voice was evident enough for him. I walk up to meet him face to face. 

"Here to attempt my murder once again?" he asks.

"Uh...murder? No, no, no. You aren't human. It's not murder if you aren't even a person. It's called 'Elimination' and I will succeed." Tyrannus scoffs amusedly at me. I notice a glint in his eye as he laughs. Despicable.

"You and everyone who came before you will fail. Always have and always will." he says. My fist curls into a tight ball. I could do it. I could kill him right here. I could at least deck him into the next century. Breathe, Simon. You know the rules, and there's too many people around right now anyways. 

"That's where you're wrong." I say, "Your little romp will end with me."

He laughs. "Oh! I'm  _ so _ scared! Woe is me!" His sarcasm is ever-present. He probably invented it. Stupid bastard.

"Snow," he continues, "If you're going to try to kill me you may as well get it over with. I have a rehearsal with the troupe soon."

I'm sorry he has a  _ what _ ? Cold-blooded vampire Tyrannus is interested in acting? He reads my expression and sighs,

“Yes, I have more interests than eating and drinking.” We both know what he means by that. I mean, he is a vampire after all. He gracefully pulls out his sword and points it out to the ground in front of me. Show off.

“Come on. I don’t have time for your flustering.” Tyrannus taunts. 

"I can't fight you here! The streets are crowded!" I hiss. Tyrannus looks at me, then at the pedestrians around us. The glint in his eye returns. His arms spread open wide. Voice overpowering the loudness around us,

"This coward is refusing to duel me! It looks like we don't have a man in our presence!"

Are you fucking kidding me?

"Tyrannus…" The tone in my voice saying  _ Danger! Do not cross me!  _ Of course that doesn't deter him.

"You can take my shoes home to eat, you wuss." 

"Stop it…" My hand reaches to the blade on my side. 

"What do we think of cowards, men?" He cups his hand to his ear. The men of the crowd jeer. "What do we think of cowards, ladies?" The women echo the jeers. Tyrannus gets right up in my face and says, 

"Your father must be ashamed to have had a child like you."

That's it.

I charge at him.

The last thing I see before being blinked back to present day is his stupid wink.

I crashed into the glass transport tube. My sword clatters to the ground and my nose is definitely bruised. 

"Agent Snow…" The Counselor says. He stands just before the glass with his perfectly ironed green uniform. The blood rushes to my cheeks. My gaze drops to the floor.

"Look at me when I speak to you, Agent."

I look up. 

"Tell me, Agent, what is the Number One rule of the Time Department?" he asks. I inhale all the guilt. I know exactly what the rule is.

"Do not cause any disturbances whatsoever…" I answer. He starts to pace across the length of the tube. 

"That is correct, Agent." He says, "Now tell me, what excuse do you have for causing an entire class three disturbance in the middle of renaissance London?"

"I…" I stammer, trying to find some way to write off my emotional outburst. Who am I kidding? "...I don't have any excuse, sir." The Counsellor hmph-s. He whispers something to the mission coordinator before clearing his throat and looking directly at me.

“Snow, I’m incredibly disappointed in you.” Is all he says before walking out of the room.

I retrieve my sword from the floor and slide it back into its hilt. Stepping out of the chamber, I was hit with the usual barrage of voices and noises. I click my translator off. 

"Snow you're off for the day. Go home." the coordinator yells from across the room. I wave my hand in acknowledgement. This is not a good sign for the state of my employment. A technician, Rylan , walks along with me to the locker rooms.

"You ain't getting' fired, Simon. The Counselor is just' a mean ol' croon 'avin' a rough day." they say. Their accent is as thick as fog. I find it comforting.

"Thanks, mate." I respond. They give me a friendly jab to my shoulder and we go our separate ways. 

Opening the door to my flat, I hear the sound of an old sitcom on the television. 

"Simon? Is that you?" a voice calls from the kitchen. My boyfriend, Baz. The scent of his cooking graces my senses. I drop my bag in the entryway and walk into the kitchen. He turns to me. I smile. He’s so beautiful. He looks like he just woke up. Long, black hair pulled back into a ponytail and his pale cheeks flushed. God how did I get so lucky? The corner of his mouth turns up.

“Back so soon? It’s barely noon.” He says. I awkwardly laugh and look to the ground. He’ll be so upset when he finds out I got sent home early again. It seems he put two and two together though and his pleasant, cheery tone sours.

“Again? Really?” he sighs, “You need to learn how to control your anger.” I look back to him. His arms are crossed like he’s an angry parent. 

“You’re one to talk." I say, "You get mad at the same amount of shit that I do. Besides, you weren’t there. You don’t know what he said to me so you can’t get all judgey over how I react.”

“It’s apples and oranges, Simon. My job doesn’t depend on my ability to stay calm and collected.” He’s right there, I suppose. Baz doesn’t really work. He keeps busy at his family’s old castle estate that is open to the public for tours and such. It’s pretty. There’s a bunch of cows and horses and whatever on the grounds. He mostly just wanders around and bosses the actual employees around. His family lives “somewhere else” so Baz is really the one in charge. He can afford to get mad because there's no one there to do anything about it. I can’t. 

“You don’t know what he even said to me.” I retaliate. 

“What? Is he trying to hit on you?” He says sarcastically. As if I don’t get enough of this from fucking Tyrannus. 

“He said my father must be ashamed of me…” I mutter. 

“I can’t understand your mumbling.” he scoffs.

“He said my father must be ashamed of me!” I didn’t mean to yell, but I did. I can feel the knot in my throat. The tears in my eyes. Fucking hell. 

“I’m sorry.” I apologize, “I-” Baz cuts me off with a hand on my shoulder that quickly turns into an embrace. 

“ _ I’m _ sorry. I should’ve known.” he says. He inhales before adding, “I mean, what else would you have gotten so upset over?” I respond by crying into his shoulder. God I'm pathetic. I break away and wipe away the tears. He looks at me with a comforting gaze. 

"I'm sure he was just saying it to get to you." Baz says. He puts his hand on my shoulder once more. I give him a half-hearted smile. The food requires his attention more than I do at the moment, so I leave him to his cooking. 

I didn't cry because of the words Tyrannus said, god knows he's said worse just to piss me off. I cried because I know he’s right. My father is ashamed of me...or at least disappointed. He said so. “ _ Snow, I’m incredibly disappointed in you today _ ”. He's ashamed of me.


End file.
